2. "Private" Tyranny: Resistance and "Not Obeying In Advance" Start at Home

It always pays to remember that the personal is always political.

In 2017, historian Timothy Snyder published On Tyranny, a pamphlet in which outlined 20 ways to resist authoritarian power. Authoritarian regimes don’t only use direct commands, executive orders, and laws to effect their goals but rely on complacency and people's general willingness to anticipate, and then do, what they believe is expected of them. Snyder’s guidance is resonating this week as we all try to figure out how to stay sane and resolute in the face of the cruelty and chaos being imposed on us and the world.

The book’s advice is useful and insightful, but it is also mainly focused on how to resist and survive tyranny in a conventional political sense: the tyranny of government oppression framed by a private and public divide. It tends towards how mainly men, mainly Anglo European, have historically thought about and experienced tyranny. With the exception of urging people to adopt digital security practices and develop a private life, Snyder’s guidance more or less stops at the front door. The ideologies and agendas we have to dismantle don’t.

Supremacists weaponize private life and our desire and need for care, love, and affection. Because most families are ethnically homogenous, male supremacy in particular leverages gender, sexuality, and intimate relationships to secure power, establishing identities and hierarchical relationships that ground other oppressions - xenophobia, white supremacy, ableism.

Children, women, and gender-expansive people have to fight public fights, but they also have to resist the systems, people, and relationships that maintain inequality in intimate life. They have to navigate the social scripts and socialization that contribute and maintain public inequality and oppression.

Authoritarians are — irony upon irony — obsessed with our identities and '“private” lives. Consider that intimate violence is a critical component of machofascist authoritarian power everywhere. Sexual assault, domestic abuse, and laws work across what analysts and media continue to silo into private and public life. Anti-abortion laws make people vulnerable economically, physically, and emotionally. Low-income women, women of color, and those already in abusive relationships, can’t afford to travel for care, leaving them more at risk in every way. Pregnancy and unwanted motherhood interfere with education and work, limiting economic opportunities and making mothers more dependent on others and on precarious social services. After Roe v Wade was overturned, incidents of reproductive coercion across the country doubled, giving abusive men control over women at their greatest time of vulnerability. Homicide at the hands of a partner is the highest cause of death for pregnant women here. Because of gun culture, the US already has higher levels of male perpetrated intimate violence than any peer countries. That we elected a president with his own history of coercion, control, and assault and who is again putting men just like him in leadership positions is a banal celebration of male, particularly white male, entitlement. Unaccountable in either private or public.

When I first read Snyder’s advice, all I could think of was what “don’t obey in advance” means if you consider that feminine socialization does exactly what Snyder advises against: teach girls to anticipate expectations (prioritize others) and to meet their needs before being asked (for instance, reducing conflict and other people’s emotional discomfort).

Gender norms, though variously shaped by racial, cultural, and class differences, often result in double standards that encourage girls to be deferential and quiet, while boys are more likely to be rewarded for aggression, disruptive behaviors, and free thinking. For Black girls and girls of color politeness and its respectability becomes a way to counter stereotypes that paint them as angry and aggressive. For boys basted in a culture that values control and dominance, the validation of traditional masculinity is a potent lure, predisposing them to Strong Man politics, evidenced by Trump’s appeal to a diverse cross-section of men, especially the young men so key to his victory.

The tyranny we face is intimate, reaching into our homes, relationships, and social lives. We can’t afford to think of resistance in terms of a depoliticized private sphere. Marginalized people never could and still can’t.

So, below are some ideas for how to extend Snyder’s frame into intimate life.

Photo by Gayatri Malhotra on Unsplash

12 Ways to Not Obey in Advance in the “Private” Sphere

1. Do not apologize for existing and don’t expect it from others. Stop saying "sorry" for taking up space, voicing your opinions, or prioritizing your needs. You have the right to ask for mutual care, respect, and equality in your relationships, places of education, and worship. Also, realize that for your LGBTQ+ people, often told they are somehow 'wrong,' apology that sets others at ease is frequently an expected norm when asking to be addressed, for example, with the correct pronouns, or wanting to expressing love.

2. Do not preemptively lower your expectations and do the work others should do. Women often do things simplyto make life easier. In fact, some of us do it so well that what we do is invisible. As a result, we learn to think that our contributions will be overlooked. It’s exhausting and, ultimately, exploitative. You have the right to ask for and expect fairness and equity. You have the right to call people out for ignoring your needs. If you are queer, a lesbian, or trans you’re often in the position of having to endlessness educate family members and friends. It’s ok not to. You can remind others that they should be educating themselves

3. Do not accept traditional gender roles as inevitable destiny. In the next few years, we will see all sorts of cultural recommitments to conventional gender norms and relationships. For many people, these norms are a comfort, easier, and emotionally and physically rewarding. That doesn’t mean, however, that you have to conform to them, especially when they result in abuse or exploitation. There is a reason, for example, why men prefer to be married than women do. Conventional roles mean men are happier and healthier when married, but they leave women depleted, stressed, and angry. Hence, they're initiating 70% of divorces and are more nutritious and happier being single. Economic stress or stress as the result of discrimination, additionally, means that women—especially those in working-class and under-resourced communities—often take on the bulk of caregiving. There are alternatives that result in more expansive, inclusive, healthier people and families. Queer relationships and chosen families, for instance, strive for egalitarian relationships. Additionally, challenging oppressive norms means that you keep keep fighting for care infrastructures and policies such as paid family leave. Starting or contributing to mutual aid funds and collective childcare reduce the kind of stress and pressure that women often feel when they are mainly or solely responsible for domestic life. They also create community avenues for resistance.

4. Do not internalize shame and blame. Many women are raised to believe that what makes them good people is sacrifice, gratitude, forgiveness, and caring for everyone around them, with few boundaries or limits. This is the core of complying in advance in private life. White supremacist ideals also mean that for women of color, shame, and blame show up in stereotypes that are easily internalized, for instance, being a 'strong Black woman' or subjected to the expectation of 'submissive Asian women.' Recognize how these forces act on you or your family and refuse to perform as expected. Know that when your relationships, the systems you rely on, or the communities you are part of consistently fail to acknowledge efforts and support you, it is not your fault or problem to solve. You can set limits and boundaries. Self-doubt and wanting to be liked don’t do you any favors, particularly when both are so easily weaponized against you, equality, and democracy.

5. Don’t silence yourself. Even when it’s difficult, it’s important to say things out loud. It’s a habit but a critical one, even when it’s uncomfortable or means other people are angry. It’s important because most men are socialized to see anger in girls and women - as mothers, wives, friends, sisters, daughters - as selfish. As a result, many women self-silence, It’s important not to because suppressing anger is incredibly bad for you, contributing to poor health and sleep as well as chronic stress and pain. Anger is a sign that something is wrong or that you have a need. It’s important to ask the people who love and care for you to help you as you do them. The thing about socialized silence in women is that it is advance compliance. So speaking out is a powerful way to think about resistance. Plus, quietly withdrawing or politely accepting other people’s racism or heterosexism - jokes, political opinions, demands - does nothing but make them more socially acceptable.

6. Don’t police other women’s behavior. An infinite number of people are always ready and willing to do it for you. Part of living in male supremacy is that women are rewarded as individuals for enforcing rules, teaching them to children, and judging other women or people who don’t conform to heterosexual expectations. Solidarity in private means thinking about how we all learn to do this and supporting one another in resisting it. It means recognizing that other people, including your children, have the right to bodily autonomy, even when what they choose to do or say doesn’t align with your own.

7. Don’t let tradition, stereotypes, and exhaustion trump fairness Women take on the bulk of kin-keeping, holiday planning, and cooking. Men prioritize their leisure time. Parents often without realizing it, assign chores for kids that are gendered, paying boys more than they do girls and teaching them financial literacy. Biases and roles learned in childhood have long tails, butterfly effects that we are now suffering the results of. Be deliberate about time and sleep and chores and money. Be involved in schools and support comprehensive sex ed that doesn’t trade in sexism, racism, and homophobia. Create new family traditions. Talk about how stereotypes work and how to recognize and change them. Hold the people in your life accountable for their actions.

8. Don't accept abuse or excuse violence. Recognize early warning signs: controlling behaviors, isolation tactics, financial manipulation, stealthing, birth control sabotage, and surveillance. If you are in an unsafe environment, save money, document what’s happening, keep evidence, and build a safe network of friends and resources. Domestic violence organizations can help you create safety plans, find housing, and get legal aid. If you know someone experiencing violence and abuse, be a safe, non-judgmental ally and find ways to offer material help instead of just advice. Don’t fall into the trap that so many religious communities and family do and pressure the person to stay and “fix things.” Resistance is acting in solidarity and being the resource other people need.

9. Protect LGBTQ+ youth by creating safe spaces outside hostile family environments. Fear of violence, coercion, and conflict is one of the primary reasons people hesitate to confront intimate inequality. Being a reliable adult and trusted friend is essential. Courage at home is as important as or, in the long term, more important than courage in the public one. If you are isolated, unsure, and scared of what’s going on - in or out of your family life — you can find solidarity and spaces that fortify and comfort you, whether online or in-person.

10. Teach children critical thinking, media literacy, and how to recognize and resist supremacy in their daily interactions. By doing this, you intervene in systems designed to cultivate conformity. Whether or not you have children, you can influence how children think of themselves and of themselves in relation to others. Gendered socialization encourages all kids to accept authority and corrosive hierarchies. Normalize conversations about diversity of thought, experience, gender, and sexuality, and model fluidity and inclusivity in your friendships, relationships, and choices about community. Not complying in advance means actively imagining and building ways of living and relating that reflect a commitment to justice and love.

11. Reconsider your faith-based community. Families regularly take children into places of worship that clearly discriminate against women and are openly hostile to LGBTQ people or immigrants. Religious discrimination, we’re raised to think, is separate to political life, when it clearly it’s not. We hear about churches that offer sanctuary, for instance, but far less is said about how religious sexism and heterosexism are essential to ongoing political oppression. Question the faith communities you are part of, advocate for change, or, if not forthcoming (most), find inclusive and life affirming alternatives.

12. If you have financial resources, use them to support local communities and networks. Every mutual aid society, racial justice organization, inclusive health clinic, abortion provider, women’s shelter, food bank, legal aid, community-based childcare, and sanctuary space in the country is under-resourced and under attack. You can create support networks for your self and others, protect vulnerable people, and fund critical infrastructure. Every cent counts.

Oppressed people have always had find ways to resist tyranny in intimate life. From enslaved people who found ways to build families and sustain cultural practices to Indigenous children who found ways to care for one another and be defiant in boarding schools, every day acts of defiance and solidarity are how people have survived and found joy in the harshest conditions. Refusing to "obey in advance," meant that people envisioned new family structures, communities, resources, and culture norms becoming, in the process, agents of memory, resilience, and change.

What’s important to know and to share with others is that intimate inequality and “private” tyranny are inseparable from what most people think of as “tyranny” at the hands of a government. These two systems work in tandem; not only is "private" life inseparable from public tyranny, but it's also a critical lynchpin. Otherwise, Trump wouldn't have been as successful in his appeal to a broad cross-section of men seeking to alleviate their anxiety in his promise to reassert masculine pride and authority. His first official act, sanctified by smug religious leaders with no moral standing, wouldn’t have been to announce that there are two genders: men and women.

By refusing to "obey in advance" in intimate and family life, you not only push back against conformity, control, coercion, and oppression but establish a powerful foundation for fighting tyranny at scale and create new futures.

Note: Rage Becomes Her and The Resilience Myth both have deep dives into the topics I discuss here. They are filled with citations, research, academic thinking and more if you, like me, love detailed endnotes and bibliographies.